The Gesture

It was a cold wintry morning. I was walking along the side-walk of a busy road. As I walked on a few steps, a car stopped ahead of me. I shrugged and walked on, passing the car without glancing at it. No car driver would have anything to do with me. They had no reason to.

A few steps onward, and a lady’s voice called out, “hey! You…can you stop please?” it wasn’t an unkind voice and I figured that since I was the only one walking, she might have been calling on me. I turned; she locked her car and walked towards me, carrying something bulky in her hand. It was a large coat. “Here, I think you could use this…I was looking for someone who could wear it this winter. Oh,” she said, while producing a little brown bag, “here’s some food too”, as she handed me both things. I shrugged, took them, and without saying a word walked off, a little awkward at the sudden burden of having to carry these things. I think she stood there watching me for a while till I turned the corner. I could never be sure.

Anyway, since I hadn’t eaten in two days, I figured that stopping somewhere and looking into the brown bag would be a good idea. As I looked for a secure place to sit, the arm over which the coat was draped grew warm…it was then I realized what coats do. I was wearing a thin torn t-shirt and jeans. My shoes had holes in them and so did my socks. I quickly donned the coat and pulled it tightly to my being. Yes, it felt nice. I walked to the stairs of this vacant building where I knew no one would bother me and opened the packet. There was two of everything, cupcakes, stuffed chicken sandwiches and croissants. I didn’t know the names of these things then but what I can tell you is that on that freezing January day of my birthday as I now know, this was the best meal I had had in a long time.

As soon as I’d devoured the last bit of it, another boy of roughly my age walked up to me and sat next to me. He looked tough. I wrapped up my coat around me now, tighter than ever as the wind started howling. He had a jacket on. He stared at me for a moment then looked away. From his inner pocket her produced a cigarette and a lighter. ‘He must be rich’, I thought. He lit his cigarette as we watched the people on the street disappear into nothingness, as the wind took over all else.

I was never happy nor sad. I just always did what had to be done. I was tired. The food made me feel drowsy, so I curled up into a corner and slept. My companion too deciding that sleep was the only thing to do, found himself a corner.

When I woke up in the morning, the still chill or the air nipped at me, stronger than the forceful winds of the night. Something was different, that’s for sure. I woke up and looked out of my coat, I could see that the trees on the sidewalk had lost their leaves in the nocturnal battle with the winds. The branches lay strewn all over the place. Again, not a soul was up and about. I wondered why. I suddenly remembered my taciturn mate, I looked over to his corner to find him slumped in the exact same position as I had seen him last before I retired. I walked over to him and touched him. He fell motionless upon the floor. The wind had taken his life. His lips were blue and his body was cold and hard. Something inside me shook.
I realized it could have been me. I didn’t want to shrug and move on. All sorts of thoughts began running through my mind. The cold, the pain, the confusion, the alcohol, my parents hitting each other, striking with words and hands with unabated fury.

I had run as far as I could. The emotion had drained out of me completely; I had decided never to feel again. To feel is to ache I reasoned. Today, to feel was to be grateful. I could lament over his young death; he was only 14 like me.

Yet, I felt deeply thankful to be alive. I could feel again, his pain and misery and the beauty of how I had been saved by a person who would never know that.

I smiled, picked up my coat and walked to the nearest church to inform someone of authority of the demise of my mate.

No, I was never going to look back on life again.

He is so impish, sometimes so grown up, so worldly wise, and then like a stubborn child, playing all sorts of tricks to keep you distracted! Yes, he's quite a handful, you need to be all there, otherwise when you're not looking, he'll do his heart's fill.

He convinces you like an angel who can never ever lie, then his hands roam in places that make you cry :P

He promises the world, then when promises fail, he makes doe eyes that make you sigh. I want to fight, but I just let it go....i love him too much, so much...will he ever know?

I'll never believe him, though i always want to...he says perfect things at the perfect times...then he says something to screw it all up, i can kill him then, but then i laugh at myself....how foolish i want to be...how crazily i'm in love

his lies his truths in my heart i know...he can be quite crazy at times and he drives to that end too, but somethings in life you just can't help, like loving him when he's had more than a beer or two!

I was angry as hell, full of rage when i saw the despicable face of the person who added woes to our dark days...

i have forgiven all, but i cannot stand his impudence to walk into my home and be there like his presence was welcome.

I slammed the door, headed off to the highway, i drove angrily but carefully, not endangering anyone yet having my hare of the speed. I have become careless with my driving somehow. I'm good, fast and sharp, yet something has snapped, the keen alertness has dulled. My actions are purely practised reflexes.

After driving in the flying dirt aka our jaipur highway, i started feeling better...somehow the sights of tractors and villagers makes me happy....so i began to feel calm.

My family has such a riotious history that i really do feel like don coreleone's kin. I want to stay away from the 'Family' and what they do, but somehow i always do get sucked in...my only fear is, that their voilence, their character may be in blood, but its undetected till now...

This is when i fear my fascinations for toys of power, guns, knives...speed...each person has many sides, many faces....my soul can't understand my obsession with power.

Neither can my mortal self.

I belong in a village. I just know it. Yes, that's another side of me. I'm a villager at heart, hardworking and simple.

But one can't always be that way....

its complicated.

the words her mind formed hit at her...
slowly at first
then rained on her soul like blows.

I am ugly she said,
I should not be loved...
I deserve no kindness...

I hate myself
This ugly face
This body with fat
That takes up my space

No one should love me, yet love i crave

Each night she'd cry herself to sleep
These words forming her sorry lullaby

Alone in bed with tears she fed whatever was left of her soul....
Little did she know that as she slept
Her angels wept
for the little lost girl

"How can we calm you, why don't you hear?
he only took what he could, your beautiful heart is right here...
cry not little girl...please don't be so sad,
the world has been bad to you
your beauty's still intact...
call upon us...we'll tell you how...
listen to us in the silence of your heart...and you'll hear our song...
you brighten up this world with your lovely smile
you conquer with your grace
you are queen
this is your place
think no less of yourself
no matter what they do...
your tears shall like the phoenix...
rise and create something new
don't despair dearest
life will give you your due"

His eyes shone like crazy diamonds...
yes floyd could'nt fathom what i saw in them

his piercing gaze with innocent clarity
searched me for what, i couldn't say...

his expression was unabashed
his eyes so true...
i just simply had to look away
even though i knew...

a little rag picker
a street urchin was he...

a decade of fending for everything
for himself
a decade since he walked this earth...
his soul was still so free...

we lock ourselves up
in expensive garbs of steel
believing that isloation
is till date, our best deal...

then his crazy diamond eyes
shone, sparkled at laughed at me...
his casual gaze liberated me...
they told me it was I decided who i wanted to be

all my problems, my stress seemed frivilous
because none of it was real, no one really cared

if i laughed i was funny
if i cried i was in pain
if i loved with abandon i was passionate without shame
i was i am, the way i live...

i am not my problems
i am not my gain
i am not the anger nor the refrain

i am the passion with which i live
the laughter and the nonchalance
of a life well lived

his hypnotic eyes reminded me
they set me free
they told me i had forgotten how to 'be'...

Parameters are crossed, boundaries blurred, differences settled and resolved, then peace prevails?

No. peace never prevails, not on the surface anyway. All that is without, bubbles with uncertainty. One change, falling into another, creating a new New.

Things that didn’t exist come into being. Things that were unspoken become the norm.
Change, is always constant they say, creation is another form of change. The challenge for creation is to withstand the odds from the matter that has been surviving, or thriving even. The challenge for something new is to be accepted by previously existing matter.

Because their survival might depend upon acceptance of the new, the unknown, the mystique that their newness brings.

For the best to retain their status, the new must be accepted, befriended even as the norm in the hope that their aura of excitement may somehow ‘rub off’ onto them, and they may have in a vain hope, laid hands on a veritable fountain of youth.

he listens as i speak of the oceans
my words ebb and flow
like waves

the tide hasn't yet arrived.
I am afraid of baring my soul

he hasn't i don't know if he ever will.
today i let down my pride
told him my troubles
then bitterly cried.

found this hard to do.
sometimes life feels so overwhelming.

this is how i can reach out i guess.
i dont know, hope it all works out for the best.

really wish i could tell him all openly
so he could comfort me
but i couldn't, though i tried.
looks like life's gonna be an unexpected ride.